This is an adult-themed blog in which sex, love, relationships, and violence are discussed. It should be considered 18+.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Obligatory Sex: Is it ever good?

We all know that kind of sex. The kind where your significant other (usually, sorry fellas, a man) has been sighing and hinting and nagging and basically just making a pain of themselves letting you know that however often you're having sex, it isn't enough.

And sometimes we give in: we're tired of the sighing. We're tired of the really obvious hints ("You know, we could take this in the bedroom..."). We're tired of "You know, when we first got together we had sex all the time." So you just do it so they'll shut the heck up.

And it does shut them up. For a while. Then they want to know why you're just not into it. Or why it "Always seems like you're only doing it because I want to."

First off, to the gents: if you nag your lady enough, she will fuck you. She will also generally do it in the most prefunctionary way humanly possible with the sole goal of getting you off so she can get on with it. Surely this isn't fun for you? It sure isn't very fun for us.

To the ladies: I know it'll sound like I'm coming from the man's side here, but try not to let it get that bad. Fantasize about Brad Pitt if you must, but don't get into the resentment cycle of obligatory sex.

It goes like this:

  1. Partner A's desire begins to wane (due to hormones, or nature, or work, or whatever. Maybe Partner B is being an ass, who knows?)
  2. Sex tapers off
  3. Partner B begins to feel that there isn't enough sex
  4. Partner B begins to press for sex via hints, touching, nagging, etc
  5. Partner A gives in and has sex, even though totally not in the mood. Resents Partner B for obliviousness to lack of desire.
  6. Partner B goes about happy for a few days, blissfully unaware that they are irritating A with their continued ignorance of the desire imbalance
  7. Partner A's desire levels further plummet, resulting in even less sex

And back to beginning. Bad. Bad. BAD.

First, if you're not into it, you need to say as much. You are not ever obligated to take care of someone else just because they want it.

Second, try initiating occasionally. Do things you like to do so you can turn yourself on. Don't rely on your partner to guess what will get you in the mood and what won't.

Finally, every so often obligatory sex is okay: when the sex is motivated not by your partner's nagging, but by the feeling that you want to give them pleasure even if you aren't feeling it, you may find yourself more in the mood than you though.

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