Desire Roller Coaster

I read an article recently in Psychology Today (I'll post the link when it goes up next month if I remember; if I forget it's Learning to Lust in June 2010) discussing how women tend to have a big decline in desire the longer a relationship goes on.

I was fascinated to see so many things that seemed to pertain to me:

• Women tend to take care of their partners in a commited relationship, leaving them feeling like their partner is less a partner and more a dependent family member (and I think most people would agree that family is not sexy)
• Constant presence of your partner lowers their "novelty" and the ability to have sex whenever you want it lowers the urgency to have it
• Not feeling exceptionally appreciated as you would when someone first sees you as attractive (What's sexier, your spouse saying "That looks nice." or someone you don't know saying "You're hot."?)
• Women tend to multi-task even when we shouldn't. We're thinking about the dishes, the bills, whether or not the doors are locked...As we become more and more sure of our partners, our minds drift, assured that they don't need 100% of our attention.

The magazine recommended trying to be more "mindful" and "in the moment", pointing out that while men who have a hard-on only tangentially think of other things, a physically aroused women may not be mentally desirous in the slightest.

What do you think?

Obligatory Sex: Is it ever good?

We all know that kind of sex. The kind where your significant other (usually, sorry fellas, a man) has been sighing and hinting and nagging and basically just making a pain of themselves letting you know that however often you're having sex, it isn't enough.

And sometimes we give in: we're tired of the sighing. We're tired of the really obvious hints ("You know, we could take this in the bedroom..."). We're tired of "You know, when we first got together we had sex all the time." So you just do it so they'll shut the heck up.

And it does shut them up. For a while. Then they want to know why you're just not into it. Or why it "Always seems like you're only doing it because I want to."

First off, to the gents: if you nag your lady enough, she will fuck you. She will also generally do it in the most prefunctionary way humanly possible with the sole goal of getting you off so she can get on with it. Surely this isn't fun for you? It sure isn't very fun for us.

To the ladies: I know it'll sound like I'm coming from the man's side here, but try not to let it get that bad. Fantasize about Brad Pitt if you must, but don't get into the resentment cycle of obligatory sex.

It goes like this:

1. Partner A's desire begins to wane (due to hormones, or nature, or work, or whatever. Maybe Partner B is being an ass, who knows?)
2. Sex tapers off
3. Partner B begins to feel that there isn't enough sex
4. Partner B begins to press for sex via hints, touching, nagging, etc
5. Partner A gives in and has sex, even though totally not in the mood. Resents Partner B for obliviousness to lack of desire.
6. Partner B goes about happy for a few days, blissfully unaware that they are irritating A with their continued ignorance of the desire imbalance
7. Partner A's desire levels further plummet, resulting in even less sex

And back to beginning. Bad. Bad. BAD.

First, if you're not into it, you need to say as much. You are not ever obligated to take care of someone else just because they want it.

Second, try initiating occasionally. Do things you like to do so you can turn yourself on. Don't rely on your partner to guess what will get you in the mood and what won't.

Finally, every so often obligatory sex is okay: when the sex is motivated not by your partner's nagging, but by the feeling that you want to give them pleasure even if you aren't feeling it, you may find yourself more in the mood than you though.

Because we just need more invasion of privacy

http://www.spokeo.com Can find almost anything about you on the web. Isn't that lovely?

Fortunately mine, at least, is pretty darned innacurate.

Dear Local Population,

You really should not make derogatory comments in potentially mixed company. If you don't know a person well, you have no reason to assume their religion, sexual orientation, or political leanings. And really, you shouldn't be saying nasty stuff like that anyway as you never know who will overhear you.

Thanks,
Quinn

Sometimes I meander EdenFantasys and just run into something that I know I must have next time I place an order.

Among these are:

Club vibe - Strap-on vibrator - EdenFantasys

Satisfy her massager - Clitoral stimulators

Nexus iStim - Electro stimulator - EdenFantasys

Ember - Massage candle - EdenFantasys

Getting used to the cuddles

I've discovered recently that Husband is almost incapable of sleeping (in the bed) without me there as well. He'll wake up within 20 minutes of me getting up, unless he's been out drinking, and come to ask what's wrong, why I'm not in bed. Then he tosses and turns until I come back to bed.

Conversely, despite nearly two years of marriage, I sleep so much better while he's not in the bed.
A. he snores. Loudly.
B. he kicks in his sleep when he's been out drinking
C. he gets really really hot in his sleep and usually ends up sweating
D. he makes his side of the bed dent down so I'm constantly rolling towards him in my sleep
E. he just doesn't hold still.

Conclusion? We need a bigger bed.

Sometimes you get a nice new toy and can't wait to try it out. Then, the toy doesn't work. The poor Slender G Spot 7 Function showed such great promise, but there seemed to be an issue with the connections and it stopped working shortly after arrival.

That said, if they'd let me exchange it for a working model, I definitely would! It was the most utterly fantastic stiff-muscle massager I've ever come accross, and the lower settings were perfectly suitable for more inimate massage.

It was a little on the loud side (as Husband put it, "It goes from hum to airplane taking off"), but the vibes were almost as strong as the noise, so I didn't mind.

Alas, that's as far as I can really review (which is why it isn't reviewed by me on the site). Oh Slender: why hast thou deserted me?

I think most people are vaguely aware of China's One Child Policy (enacted to keep the population from outstripping resources) but despite the assumed barbarity of the policy, it's been pretty tame up until now.

Check this link out

The question this really raised with me was Why weren't these people sterilized as soon as they had their one child?

I know, by American standards, I've just asked the wrong question. But the point is, it is against the country's law for these people to have more than one child. As such, should they not give the most effective means of prevention possible against future pregnancy? Not only does this prevent law breaking, but it would allow for safer and less rushed operations.

Kids These Days...

If you go to a school with a 25 to 1 ratio of male to female students, it seems to me that you really shouldn't let those male students know you're looking for someone.

I guess some people though are just glutons for punishment.

Alright, I've met it - The fantasy/kink that totally turns me off.

Husband has decided that he's into anal. On him. For some reason, this just totally switches me off to the point where all I'm thinking the whole time is "This is so wrong."

Am I a bad person for not being able to at least participate in this particular kink? I don't know. But I can't.

Some more amusement for the NSFW crowd

Weird Asian News has posted a whole bunch of information today on "The Pink Penis Festival" (not the Japanese name for it, mind you) and I thought I'd share the amusement:

Penis Pops

Also, a little belatedly, they've spotted the Tenga Fliphole, an item that has been out for quite a while in the US, so probably even longer in Japan.

The best husband on earth!

Up to this point, my husband has been more than a little leery of my "toys". They live in their little cubbard, and he sort of avoids seeing or thinking about them (other than the very unthreatening Liv)

Yesterday was a breakthrough! He pulled out Revolution and just went to town on me. There is absolutely nothing I can think of that could have been sexier. It really seemed to turn him on too.

The beginning of a new era?

It's always nice to hear about steps in the direction of equality

Open Relationships

I'll start this off by saying Husband and I do not have an open relationship, so all of this post is opinion and conjecture.

Whenever two consenting adults enter into any relationship, ground rules must be established between them. In some cases, it's as simple as "toliet paper goes over, not under". In others, its as complicated as working out what an "open" relationship is.

Possibly the worst moment in negotiating an open relationship is bringing it up (I have been here). You don't know what your partner is going to say, how they're going to react, or what ripples it will cause in your future. You also don't know what they're going to assume about your reasoning:

Husband assumed I was interested so I could be with women as well as him. While I won't say that wasn't also on my agenda, it wasn't a big part and I told him as much.

Then the real negotiations begin: what do you want? what do they want? What do each or neither of you not want?

In my case, this is where it ended in failure.

However, I suspect that there are people out there who can come to a reasonable, mutual decision and thereafter enjoy an open relationship without any harm to the original pairing. It's a matter of comfort, security, and being able to create a situation that both parties agree on and feel comfortable with.

Sometimes laying out in the sun with the wind blowing over your bare skin is just one of the sexiest feelings on earth.

I don't know if I just read so many positive reviews that any negative review is going to sound funny or if it's just this particular reviewer but if you're looking for a good laugh today, you need to check out

Carrie Anne's review of the Hitachi Fairy

At bottom right is a new banner on the page for Paperbackswap. They've had almost everything I've wanted to read so far and I'd venture to say I've saved about 50$ a month on books just by joining. Check them out!

What do you consider an emotional affair?

Generally speaking, I would consider it one in which a person already entered into a commited relationship of some sort witholds part of themselves from that relationship and turns it elsewhere. Strangely enough, I don't think this necessarily needs another person.

For example: fantasies. Your significant other, if they aren't sharing their fantasies, are in a way having an affair with those fantasies. You are being emotionally blocked off from some aspect of them.

This could also mean partner/s. Your significant other could be more mentally/emotionally intimate with other people than with you.

Is this cheating? Not in my opinion. I think everyone has their secrets and your mind is the only thing that will ever truly belong 100% to you. How you chose to spread it around is up to you.

Pressing Fantasies

Now I know we all have fantasies and that, ideally, we should be able to share them with our significant others whether either of you intend to act them out or not.

But I think everyone should be warned about pressing your fantasies on your partner. Basically what I mean is when you have a fantasy regarding something you wish your partner would do or what and you project it on to them pressuring (or guilting) them into claiming to have that fantasy.

Husband has a thing for the idea of me with a young woman, introducing her to the pleasures of a female-female relationship. This is definitely not my thing: when I'm in to women, I like more mature (read: bustier) women and my interest generally ends at the waist. However, Husband has somehow gotten it into his head that this is my fantasy too.

For a while, it didn't bother me and I'd just play along. After a while though, I realized that it wasn't helping the relationship for me to lie to him like this and it might eventually be harmful. So I told him quite bluntly that "twiggy things" just don't do it for me and "vaginas are just gross".

I think he's still pouting.

Bi-sexual Blunders

I got a little irked today reading some posts about people who were labelled straight or homosexual because their current (or majority) partners were one sex or the other despite their assertation that they were in fact bisexual.

The way I see it, sexuality is a sort of slider: there's really truly deeply straight, really truly deeply homosexual, and then there's a huge area in the middle that goes both ways. I am personally a little more towards the hetero end, but still in the gray.

Generally speaking, I think most people are somewhere in the grey, but I respect their right to place themselves wherever they want. Basically, I just think it's extremely rude to assume you know someone's sexuality better than they do.